Circle of Stones

When I was 18 years old, I had an operation to remove kidney stones. This happened only a few months after the entire family learned about my father's love affair, and the situation was quite grim. I could barely look at my father for months, and my siblings' reaction was even worse. My sister swore that she would never forgive, but has since then long forgotten her oath. My brother closed himself up even more than before, which seemed impossible, but he pulled it off. Me - I stopped singing. Because in a way, that's what started the whole mess.

This is also about the same time when my "job description" within the family changed. I was no longer mother's friend and confidant - I was her own mother and psychologist. Where previously I'd been frustrated by the fact that I need to be "the grown up" for people who were many, many years my seniors, now I had to take responsibility for her pain, her grief, her anger, and the entire family's calamity. I cannot remember all that went through my mind when I thought of dad, but I'm pretty sure I felt betrayed and hurt, as he'd been lying to us for so long, and had been treating me personally with such disrespect and insensitivity, that I was constantly on the brink of a temper tantrum whenever he spoke to me. I swore that one day, he would regret it.

Not that I actively sought revenge. I never did that to anyone, not even my brother when he hurt me more than anyone else, and I had the means to hurt him. I don't want to have to carry that burden for the rest of my life, and also... I do love them and remember all that is good in them, despite everything. Despite being constantly treated like a black sheep, quarantined, left to make my pitiful pleas for help and attention.

But now, almost 12 years later, the circle is about to be complete. My father is now hospitalized with a kidney stone, as I was. On wedndesday he's to be operated on by the same doctor who then operated on me. He's suffered similar pain, and will be going through similar procedures. Mother has asked, in her passive-aggressive and oh so obviously guilt-provoking way, that I sit with her outside the OR during the operation. The truth? I feel a need to be there. Not for revenge. Not for "knowing what it felt like for him", I honestly don't care anymore, and besides - I never cheated on anyone or lied to my family.

What I want, is closure. I want to let go of this. I want to sit there, with mother, and know that I sit there as myself: not her psychologist, not her equal, not hers or father's caretaker - just a concerned daughter. I want to know that I am strong enough to do this and survive it. I want to know that I am no longer being eaten up on the inside by feelings of frustration and guilt and a desperate need to be loved, and that these feelings no longer guide my actions. I want to know that I came to support my mother and father out of my own free will, regardless of what they may or may not have done to me or for me, what they owe me or what I owe them. I want this for myself.

And if I do this, I will be able to be proud of the person that I have become.