MDD

I feel completely relaxed today. I was slightly on edge around noon, but that has passed.

During the past couple of weeks I've managed to have a fight with almost everyone I know, and I'm about to sadly end my relationship and joint working effort with a group of people who have been dear to me for a long time. While I realize that not many people have the capacity, sensitivity or even the desire to aid a person going through a bout of Major Depressive Disorder, it saddens me that I feel so lost and helpless during these times, that I can't help turning to - and expecting help from - even those I know in advance are uninterested or incapable of helping me.

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's as if... as if I know I've been living on borrowed time. That I've achieved all that I can in this life, and... this is it. The doors are closing on me, one by one. Time to turn off the lights and leave, I've done all I can here.

There are still a few problems of course. I don't want my mom, all my loved ones, to feel grief, or blame themselves for this. And there's also the question of the cats in the yard, that I feed every day - who will take care of them? If I leave a sum of money to the neighbour and ask her to keep looking after the cats, will she do it? Do I even have any money to leave anyone? I'm kinda broke...

And kind of broken.