Sugar

I just think that there's a huge difference between sugar-coating things and being compassionate when someone's down. The cold, hard truth is not going to run away, it can wait a bit longer for me to pick up my pieces from the floor.

My Family Treats Me Like A Freak

There. I said it.

Dad's surgery went fine. Afterwards he said that he kept thinking about his grandchildren, which is very sweet. My sister and brother - parents of said grandchildren - stood there glowing, as if boasting of their achievement (having kids). I was left out, naturally. I failed to produce a grandchild. I'm not even married, ptooy, for shame. Babe, will you marry me? That way I can at least say I've covered that part... You don't have to commit or anything, you're free to spend time with and sleep with whomever you want, just let me mark that mandatory "checkbox" - that I am a married woman. I'll say you're a man, would you like that? You might.

But then again, I don't think there's anything I can say or do that will make them change their minds about me. They need their black sheep, and me?... I'm... well... Baaaaaaaaaah.

Circle of Stones

When I was 18 years old, I had an operation to remove kidney stones. This happened only a few months after the entire family learned about my father's love affair, and the situation was quite grim. I could barely look at my father for months, and my siblings' reaction was even worse. My sister swore that she would never forgive, but has since then long forgotten her oath. My brother closed himself up even more than before, which seemed impossible, but he pulled it off. Me - I stopped singing. Because in a way, that's what started the whole mess.

This is also about the same time when my "job description" within the family changed. I was no longer mother's friend and confidant - I was her own mother and psychologist. Where previously I'd been frustrated by the fact that I need to be "the grown up" for people who were many, many years my seniors, now I had to take responsibility for her pain, her grief, her anger, and the entire family's calamity. I cannot remember all that went through my mind when I thought of dad, but I'm pretty sure I felt betrayed and hurt, as he'd been lying to us for so long, and had been treating me personally with such disrespect and insensitivity, that I was constantly on the brink of a temper tantrum whenever he spoke to me. I swore that one day, he would regret it.

Not that I actively sought revenge. I never did that to anyone, not even my brother when he hurt me more than anyone else, and I had the means to hurt him. I don't want to have to carry that burden for the rest of my life, and also... I do love them and remember all that is good in them, despite everything. Despite being constantly treated like a black sheep, quarantined, left to make my pitiful pleas for help and attention.

But now, almost 12 years later, the circle is about to be complete. My father is now hospitalized with a kidney stone, as I was. On wedndesday he's to be operated on by the same doctor who then operated on me. He's suffered similar pain, and will be going through similar procedures. Mother has asked, in her passive-aggressive and oh so obviously guilt-provoking way, that I sit with her outside the OR during the operation. The truth? I feel a need to be there. Not for revenge. Not for "knowing what it felt like for him", I honestly don't care anymore, and besides - I never cheated on anyone or lied to my family.

What I want, is closure. I want to let go of this. I want to sit there, with mother, and know that I sit there as myself: not her psychologist, not her equal, not hers or father's caretaker - just a concerned daughter. I want to know that I am strong enough to do this and survive it. I want to know that I am no longer being eaten up on the inside by feelings of frustration and guilt and a desperate need to be loved, and that these feelings no longer guide my actions. I want to know that I came to support my mother and father out of my own free will, regardless of what they may or may not have done to me or for me, what they owe me or what I owe them. I want this for myself.

And if I do this, I will be able to be proud of the person that I have become.

In Love'd

Birds chirped yesterday as well, the sky was blue
Flowers blossomed and sun shone too
But today I feel all that I then dismissed
Simply because now I know that you exist.

Babe, I Think Martin Wrote This One For Us

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it


© 1984 Martin Lee Gore - Depeche Mode

Tell the truth - you started singing it as you read the words, didn't you?... ;)

Apparently, Love Is All About Silly Songs

If there's anything that you want
If there's anything I can do
Just call on me
And I'll send it along
With love, from me to you

Cracks In My Tongue

All of a sudden, I'm worried about things I couldn't care less about a couple of weeks ago. Am I pretty enough? Is my skin too pale? Are my breasts too big? Or my nose? Is my voice warm and pleasant? Is the sound of my laughter annoying? Are there too many cracks in my tongue?

This is all your fault. All your fault!... My love, my love, what are you doing to me?... I was all ready to spend the rest of my life as a ghost, a living dead, when you came along... Tell me, what troubles you now? Are you worried about the cracks in your tongue too?

Choices

Welcome back, sister, sit yourself there by my cat,
You might scare her away but she's used to that.
Few strangers do ever appear at my door,
And she was not yet here when you were here before.
She's still young, but is tired of struggling outside,
And when darkness ensnares, she comes here to hide
Her ears fondled my laughter, her tongue soaked my tears
She's seen all that you've whited-out all these years.
Every night I grow slightly more tired, more quiet
I lay down my useless head, and she lays by it
After she's had her dinner, and I disgorged mine
Oh yes, other than that, things are going just fine.

Fine Swiss Milk Chocolate

...is absolutely no fun to puke. The smell is awful, and the amount of fat floating on the water is frightening. I also made the mistake of drinking coffee with the chocolate, and that made it even worse.

The term "Family support" keeps floating in my mind like a ghost ship.

Blades

Long days of silence/like blades through my brain/frantic dreams of violence/endless thoughts in chains/from my moon to your sun/my invisible bride/when my day is done/yours will take over my night/come lose my mind for me/write the distance again/if loving you is madness/I don't want to be sane

Watch Over Me (Morning So Confused)

I have no right to ask this, but the chrysalis grows thicker; I can feel my heart slowing down, my body growing cold, I seem to me almost transparent - such sorrow and such joy all at once! I fear this journey, and don't know which scares me more: the thought that I might not reach it's end, or the thought that I might. What will I find when I get out? And who'll watch over me in deep sleep?

I've never been more married than I am to you; No one can understand that, and I'm too tired to explain. Besides, you're the only one who needs to hear me, and love asks no questions anyway, only people do. You're probably still sleeping as I type this, and I feel the calm that is your breathing. I am the sentinel that keeps the world away from your door when you sleep. When you wake up, love, will you do the same for me? When did I become so lost, so fragile? And will you ever forgive me for being so weak?...

Fade

Perhaps like all good witches are destined to do
All this is simply reaching further beyond time and space
The rules aren't merely bent, they're gone, and part of me is too
When pain transforms to numbness, it barely leaves a trace.

Flesh dwindles, no amount of nurishment could now retrieve it.
Your love to me is sweet release, I gratefully receive it.

Recreational Clothes

Some days I feel like peeling off my skin,
Great Goddess knows it's served me less than well,
And let the world for once peer right within,
That all may see my inner flesh was fell.

This traitorous veneer is an illusion,
For years it's kept me seeking a solution
But I am truly flawed. Fine then, so be it.
Alas, poor crippled soul. No one can see it.