Friday, September 29, 2006

SNRI Withdrawal Syndrome

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Oh No, Sweetheart

This time it doesn't mean you're a coward. It simply means you're a really lousy friend to me. It means that instead of seeing the big picture and remembering that I'm going through a withdrawal of emotional and cerebral support I've had for the past 7 years, and that my reactions are exaggerated and lopsided because of it, and that, sorry to bring it up again, in the past you've "dumped" me twice and said all sorts of compassionate and understanding things like "you're a bitch" and "I'm sending back all your shit because I want to forget all about you're pathetic existence" - and then of course apologizing for it - you chose to turn your back on me - again - leave me in the dark - again - and give me one more reason to cry my eyes out and get all nice and suicidal last night. But you know what? You go ahead and do the mature thing. Like slandering me on your blog and not even giving me a chance to comment, like you did on mine. So here goes, babe: hate me all you like. It'll be good for you, it'll give you strength for the tough times ahead. Heart, kidneys, I highly recommend brain, give it a try, it's a hoot. It might even give you the strength to deal with the next time someone you used to love kills themselves. Ooops, oh no, that was really bad of me, wasn't it? Good. You have an even better claim against me now.

You never really loved me, did you? You were just looking for someone to blame for your woes. Did I do a good job?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Chainsaw Through The Brain

That's what a friend of mine once called Philip Glass' music. Needless to say I disagree. But I'm having a similar sensation now, result of Efexor withdrawal. OUCH!!

Also, I've been suffering from surges of sudden anger that did not make sense. Scary shit. I've been on SSRI/SNRI drugs for the past 7 years, and I wonder how well - if at all - my body will adjust to being without a serotonin regulator. I could fall apart for a while, I could blow up. No one knows, anything could happen. So exciting. Fun fun. And I could really use one - for the love of Gaia, just one - close person in my life right now who is NOT going through an emotional breakdown of their own, so they could support me through this rough time, but there is none. Everybody's wrapped up in their own shit, no one can put it aside for a couple of weeks for my sake. Oh, OK, there is one person, but she's leaving for Denmark for two weeks in a couple of days. Two critical weeks. More fun.

Maybe now is a good time to just lie there and stare at the ceiling for a while.

PS - Do what you have to, so that "me as a whole" won't bring you "nothing but pain". Me and my holes will be here when you're done ostracising me for the 100th time.

Right. Where was I? Ceiling. Staring.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I Come To You Now, At The Turn Of The Tide

At first this entry was intended to be called "who are you and what have you done with my mom", but Gandalf's words seem more suitable. The inconceivable happened today; or at least, the I-didn't-think-it-was-possible-anymore has happened.

I went to lunch at my parents' house. Normally, usual family gossip is discussed. Occasionally a question is asked, which I try to answer, but not much interest is shown in my activities, so it's dropped rather quickly. This time - I don't know what happened, but - my mother listened. I mean, she actually LISTENED. To me. To what I had to say. She showed some interest in the world I've been spending so much time in for the past 7 months. It all started when I mentioned a package that arrived from a friend overseas; "Where did you meet all these people, on the Internet?" Wondered mother. Yup, said I, in the forums. "The forums of that singer, right? Johnny something?" Johnny is right, mom, but he's not a singer, he's a figure skater. "Oh, right. What's his last name again?" Weir. "Is he Jewish?" *giggles* No, mom. Well, it's a typical question from a Yiddishe Mama.

Then I ended up telling her about my wonderful friends - in the U.S., in Europe, even in Russia - and I mentioned I've learned to make videos. Mom seemed to still be listening - normally, this would be the stage where she'd lose interest, even on the best days - and I showed her two of the videos, Weirology Lessons 1 and 2. She didn't understand much, but seemed impressed by the videos themselves - the way they were put together. "When did you have time for this?", she asked. Uhm, well... "All those sleepless nights, huh?..." Among other things... yeah. But hey, this was the positive side of the sleepless nights.

Pigs all over the world have begun considering a career in aviation. And on a less cynical note: thank you, mom. It was the right thing to do and it moved me. And tomorrow during our morning phone conversation, I'll tell you that. Oink :)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Dearest Alice

Don't let them Dodos judge you, they're extinct
Remorseless beasts enthroned them history's waste
Furled feathers, crooked beaks and visions kinked
Forever trapped within their futile race.

Those sacrifices made cannot be wasted:
Remember it was your own blood you tasted.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Roses Are Red With A Twist(ed Sister)

Weblogs are read,
You saw I was blue,
I don't care that you're pregnant
'Cause you're a bad sister too.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm Too Young To Be Old

I went to a bone scan this afternoon, following months and months of pains in my knees and the orthopedist's suspicion that it might be arthritis. "Heh, you're too young to have something like that", chuckled the doctor who did the test.

"Listen dude", said I, "When I was sixteen and had kidney stones, everyone said I was too young to have kidney stones. When I was 27 and had DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis), everyone said I was too young to have DVT. So now... You say I'm too young for this. But the way I see it, the whole 'too young' thing doesn't work for me..."

When the picture of my knees appeared on the screen, the doctor said "Hmmm, yeah, there's definitely a problem there". So in a few days, it's back to the orthopedist to see what can be done.

Not that I'm whining or anything. I'm too old to be whining.