Yup, I've Lost It

But I just looooove being an Angel, What can I do?...

I love being an Angel

Just for the poll...doing my Angel Duty!

Burfing Rainbows

The above title is borrowed from the cuteoverload.com website: meaning, the reaction one might have upon seeing an extra cute or adorable scene or image. I did not barf rainbows this morning, but I did barf - twice - which sets a new personal record. I have never thrown up twice in one day, after two meals, but today simlpy began in such an unbearable way that I really wanted to.

Even with the burfing, it still was a day of overeating. Spending time with my family brings me to this condition quite easily, it seems. My mother and sister once again managed to ionize me and started talking to someone else about something else while they were in mid-conversation with me - I'm absolutely certain they did not even notice it. That's just how it is when you're not really paying attention to someone; I'm rather used to feeling like thin air or perfect nothingness in the company of my family, so this did not even cause me to get upset or annoyed. If anything, it made me laugh; especially since my father (of all people) noticed this happening, and laughed as well.

I think I noticed a slight change in my eating disorder though. It was a bit harder to throw up, my body seemed a bit reluctant. After all, it's been many days that I ate very little and didn't throw up, so it seems that my body is giving me the message of "If you don't want to swallow the bullshit, don't eat it in the first place". This is a good insight. All that is left now is to be strong and determined enough to be able to implement it.

My Electronic Family (To Johnny's Angels)

I'm adored by perfect strangers
Who have never laid eyes on me
From these iridescent pages
Lay their wings of love upon me.

They would never ask me why
I am me as me is I -
For kind and sweet and lovely
Is my electronic family.

Red Beak Brother

If I could ease your pain, my boy, I would
I'd take it on myself and bear it hence;
My thoughts and vision are up to no good
And self-expression makes no difference.
I'm nourished less and less on food and life
And as the substance of this world grows thin
I listlessly submit to inner strife
It does well to corrode me from within.

But knowing that I've helped you but a little
Makes life seem not so languishing and brittle.

Born

"You were born under Saturn", the astrologer says
"And that means you have strength to destroy,
So you can't surround people with lightness and joy
But you can endure with them their hardest of days".

"You were born under Morrighan", the enchantress says,
"Queen of Shadows, Fierce Mistress of Death,
All shall seek you through panic, when gasping for breath
To restore their right minds, and then hasten away."

"You were born unexpected", the mother says,
"So I can't tell you what your life means.
For whatever it's worth, you have half of my genes
And my failures reflect in your gaze."


* * * * * * * * *

17:05, Office bathroom: Another high.

Kat in a Hat

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

~ Dr. Seuss ~

The Human Touch

There is an actual feeling of "High" after throwing up. It flows through your veins and makes you forget your troubles for a while.
And that's always a good time to listen to "eels" - I've got "Electro-Shock Blues" On. Beautiful. *sigh*

No Rhymes

It could.
It could be.
It could be very soon
It could happen to me
It could appear before me
It could jump on me and hug me and kiss me
It could let me know it doesn't have to be such a struggle all the time
It could put a stop to the endless chasing of my own tail around pointelessly trying to find something, anything, anywhere, someone, sometime, for my life, for me, it could

But so far it hasn't.

I'm Not That Vile, Really

Please don't react that way when I say something that seems a bit weird to you. Remember who you're talking to - it's me, my mind runs in mysterious circles, but I could never intentionally harm anyone... I'm not a saint, but not that much of a sinner, either. You have no idea how it pains me when I say something humorously and gleefully, and mean nothing by it accept to make an observation or some silly remark - and have you treat it with a sombre, austere response, as if I'd suggested committing some horrible crime. My thoughts run free, same as yours, and I feel comfortable and safe enough with you to express them freely. I'd hate to have to stop doing that. I hate it when people make me feel bad about things that make me feel good and harm no one. It's unfair. I should have a right to enjoy myself - an it harm none.

On a different note, I'm finally making some progress with my thesis, and it's a great relief. Those who needed to be thanked have been thanked, and hopefully I'll be able to return a favour someday.

It would be so nice if my loved ones could show me love and support a little more explicitly from time to time. I'm running short on such supplies.

Where Alice Cried

Where Alice cried, the water's frozen solid
Her pool of tears is laden now with ice
Where once bereaved and baffled, she stands stolid
No longer pushed around by birds and mice.

So calm and peaceful as she skates around,
No rushing rabbit, no cruel queen, no races,
And when, from time to time, she looks on down
She still can see the horror on their frozen faces.

Oh, Shit

I had lunch with my parents at a coffee shop today. In the middle of it all, I went to the bathroom and threw up. Haven't done that in about 3 weeks, so I'm wondering in what direction the wind is blowing at the moment... I wasn't particularly upset and my parents didn't bother me too much (only a little - "what are you eating, why are you eating it, what does it taste like, what should I eat, blah blah); I just felt a need to get rid of whatever was filling my stomach. And so I did.

Hope it's just a glitch, I really don't feel like getting on another ride with the Good Ship Bulimia.