Starve

A dream I had displayed me as a caged white kitten,
One desperate paw still dangles out between the bars,
But could not reach, those little scraps of food were placed too far
And she could not recall the last time she had eaten.

Mother suggested euthanasia, father said let nature take its course
Or otherwise you must be stronger, be a tiger, learn to use more force
Yet with the letters on the pills I take a message is perpetually written:
"Remember that a tiger between bars is every bit as helpless as a kitten".

Surviving, yes, but...

Why can't someone fight for me for a change?

Whether they can't, or won't, doesn't matter anymore. I can't even cry, the tears dry out before they well up. I'm starting to realize that it's not life that's killing me, it's me killing my life. Trying to hang on to the people who are supposed to fight for you, but won't, is like insisting on eating the same rotten food day after day, just because you're afraid you won't have anything else to eat, or that there's no other kind of food for you out there. At this point, I'd rather starve.

Rain

Your broken spirit will rebirth it's light
Your frozen bones will learn to rule the night,
Remove your yearning from their callous gaze
Abandon that sweet taste of warmer days.

My anguish and their scorn were all the same
Until these violent, tearing torrents came.

Tentative / 06.11.06

Crawl
Walk
Run
Fly
Fall
Crawl

Beakisms

* The trouble with the humankind is that people always judge you not by who and what you are, but by who and what they think you should be.

* There are two things in life I've always loved: one is chocolate cake, the other is the truth. The first one made me suffer; the second made me suffer more.

* I've always felt bad about the fact that my brother and sister were constantly ignoring me. But then I realized I have nothing to feel bad about: you can't really ignore someone who's never existed for you in the first place.

* I have no idea where my path in life will lead me, but it will probably be nowhere unless I start walking.

* One of the greatest lessons one can learn as a clinically depressed person, is that there is a world of difference between wanting to kill the pain, and wanting to kill yourself.

* I always try to find something nice to say to people when they ask me how they look, and not lie about it. So if my answer is something like "I love the color of your shirt", it means that I really do love the color of your shirt, but I think it's ugly.

* Remember when you were young and people told you to spread your wings and soar to the highest highs? Wonder why that never happened? The bastards forgot to tell you you're not a bird.

* People have always told me that as a woman, I'm not feminine enough. It took me years to ask the question, "Not feminine enough for what?"

* "Alice in Wonderland" is like a bible to me. Any book where you can literally drown in your own tears gets my vote.

Should

If I could have an illness by the book,
Then surely all would find its proper place,
The numbers all would fit the drugs I took,
The symptoms would all justify the case.

But lo how these foul numbers did me wrong
In your fine textbooks I do not belong.

Virtual Brother, The Who

Listening to you,
I get the music.
Gazing at you,
I get the heat.
Following you,
I climb the mountains.
I get excitement at your feet.

Right behind you,
I see the millions.
On you,
I see the glory.
From you,
I get opinions.
From you,
I get the story.